Historical QT 21 Feb 1990, Don't try to control the emotions of life -- it is not really living

1 John 2:22 (NIV) Who is the liar? It is the man who denies that Jesus is the Christ. Such a man is the antichrist — he denies the Father and the Son.

NOTE: At least there is one area of the Christian life I am succeeding -- I do not deny that Jesus is the Christ. My words affirm the fact often; but, do my actions? Do my actions show that I really believe in the Son of God who loved (& loves) me so much he gave his life for me. There is no depth deep enough to measure the Father & Son's love for me. How I must disappoint them. Yet their love overcomes disappointment just as my love for my daughter forgets her failures. I can't ever really comprehend so great a love -- someone truly loves me -- as I have always desired to be loved.

PRAYER: Father, in your love, heal my son. The pain and struggles he goes through day after day are very draining. He hurts so much, he complains so little, I feel so ashamed. Please, Father, I love Luke, not as you do, bur as much as I can, heal my son, please.

((TODAY, 28 Jul 2012: There are few more posts for 1990, but apparently I started putting my notes in a book that I no longer own. At this point (Feb 1990), I may still be under the impression that Luke will always be trache-dependent -- I don't  remember. I do know that by the end of the year, 11 Nov 1990, three years to the day, Luke will complete the decannulation process that began with an earlier surgery (in the Fall) to rebuild the airway using cartilage from the ear. There will be doctors and nurses gathered around Luke's bed as the trache is pulled out and the stoma covered up (the actual hole heals closed within hours). There were a lot of smiles and joy in the faces of all the nurses and doctors who cared for Luke so much over the three years -- they were so happy for Luke and for us. Surprisingly, the two least happy persons are the same two who wanted to get rid of the trache so much, the parents. I was excited to see the trache gone, but as soon as it was gone, the thought hit me (as it hit Sharon) -- now what will we do if Luke cannot breath -- there is no trache to replace. It was a bitter sweet moment and it took some time to overcome the fear deep within our hearts. Every time Luke would cough, aspirate a little, or get a cold, my stomach started to turn within me, because I didn't know what would happen next. We lived for years waiting for the other shoe to fall because we were so used to disappointments. But I learned during those years, that it is wrong to live in the plains of life, just because you did not want to experience the valleys again. I learned to climb the mountains and enjoy the top, rather than stay on the plain because I didn't want to be disappointed (the valleys). It is not really living when we quench what God has given to us. I have learned to be joyful and I have learned to cry -- I have learned to live life and enjoy it as God intended.))

Historical QT 15 Oct 1989, Our faith needs to be in God's answer and not our presciption

Ps 20:7 (NIV) Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.

NOTE: Once again, my hopes are dashed. What I desired so greatly is farther than ever from me. I believed God for a miracle like nothing I've believed before. I suppose it wasn't very strong, because my trust has collapsed. Maybe I trusted too much in medical science or the doctors. Maybe I gloried too much in my pity. Maybe, finally the real me is unmasked. It takes utmost despair to show myself that I too can't handle real disappointment. I'm a tired son these days, O Lord. I need your strength, I need hope, I need a miracle. Why, O why can I not have it? I suppose I know the answer, I just don't want to face it.

((TODAY, 27 July 2012: Obviously, this was when we were told that Luke would be trache-dependent his whole life. The doctors had put a lot of effort in Luke, but we didn't seem to be making any progress. And while the key doctors were God-fearing men who cared for Luke, others on the staff were probably arguing that too much manpower and effort had already been wasted. I know this is true because one of the doctors (not the lead doctor) had caught Sharon alone and told her that we needed to stop wasting their time. Our son would probably die of pneumonia anyway and there were other things they could be doing. I know that not all the doctors agreed with that statement, but they probably were losing hope too. I don't remember the name of the doctor who made the statement, but I wonder what he would think to know Luke is alive today, and living without a trache.

I used the word "dashed" a lot back then. I think I read CS Lewis' use of the word in a Grief Observed, where he talks about his hope dashed and his faith being a house of cards. In many ways, those thoughts were my thoughts at this point. I believed in something to happen and it didn't happen, so my faith was also a house of cards, ready to be blown over by the first gust of wind. The problem was that my faith was based upon my solution to the problem. I didn't have faith to look or wait for God's solution. Jesus told us to pray for the Father's kingdom to come, but really we pray for our kingdom to come (last Sunday's message at church). That is what I was doing, and still do at times. Rather, I need to be watching to see how God answers my prayers rather than expecting them to be answered my way.))

Historical QT 17 Sep 1989, In the midst of pain, we never really know the ending of the story

Heb 4:15-16 (NIV) For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet was without sin. 16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

NOTE: The disappointment that began last Friday night was too great for words. The tears would not stop flowing Saturday. I had hoped for so much and yet realized the dashing of my dreams again. It is hard to see God's sovereignty in days like these. It's hard to maintain faith in the unseen when the seen is so disappointing. I know I should be thankful though, Luke's fistula and web are gone. He is not in danger of any more pneumonias and he is closer than ever to getting rid of his trache. Thank you God for those successes. Help my faith -- to believe even this disappointment is for good.

((TODAY, 26 Jul 2012: My memory falters  because of the number of surgeries, but I'm pretty sure this was the reconstruction of the airway using cartilage from the rib. The new airway collapsed shortly after the recovery phase--ten hours in surgery, ten days (I think) in meditated state to let the structure hold, and then disaster. Luke lived and we survived, but it was devastating emotionally. A few months later, the doctors would tell us that there is nothing more they could do, Luke would be trache-dependent the rest of his life. I think that news hurt even more because Luke was not only no closer to getting rid of the trache, but never getting rid of the trache. And yet, out of that depth of pain, out of that "death of a vision," remarkably Luke would tolerate a passy-muir (not at first, but a few months later), indicating that his airway might be better off than anyone thought. And a some months later, another piece of cartilage, this time from his ear, and a few months of healing with a metal trache would result in him getting rid of the trache forever on his third birthday. The moral of the story --in the midst of the pain, we never really know the ending of the story.))

Historical QT 3 Sep 1989 / 9 Sep 1989, Sometimes, we mistake desire for fear

3 Sep 1989

Isa 12:1-2  (NIV) In that day you will say:

"I will praise you, O Lord.

Although you were angry with me,

your anger has turned away

and you have comforted me.

2 Surely God is my salvation;

I will trust and not be afraid.

The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation."

NOTE: As long as we don't get what we truly desire, it will always be hard to say, "I trust you God, I am not afraid." It is battle every person has, there is no easy answer. I suppose perseverance is just that; living life without any easy answers. Lord I pray my faith in you (what little there is) has brought your name glory. I pray that the things we have learned could be useful in helping others in the midst of life's struggles. But most of all, I pray for the comfort of Isa 12:1 could be ours. Bring comfort and peace into our lives once again. Heal Luke. Lord, that is my greatest desire right now. This is the desire of my heart. I would gladly give up all my dreams for the future for the sake of my family. Please comfort us. Please, heal Luke -- only you can -- only you have the power -- nothing is outside your hands.

9 Sep 1989

Ps 10:14, 17 (NIV)

14 But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;

you consider it to take it in hand.

The victim commits himself to you;

you are the helper of the fatherless.

. . .

17 You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted;

you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,

NOTE: My suffering has not been long, at least not when compared to many who suffer their whole life. It's been almost two years now, a little more when one counts the first ultrasound. Yet the real hurt and pains did not hit home till Luke's birth. Luke will be 2 in a couple of months. He now has the hope of an almost normal life. No more trache changes, no more gagging and pneumonias -- all are within our grasp. Although it is not really our grasp, it is God's will. God is in control, he will allow or cause what is best for Luke and us. He is my Father, he will not give me a snake or a stone when I ask for a boy, a healthy boy. I must trust my Father, I must hope in his wisdom and goodness. I cannot express the tears of joy I have at the prospect of Luke's wellness. I hesitate to think of it, fearful that these thoughts will dash Luke's prospects, or probably that my hopes will ultimately be dashed by reality. I know I am undeserving of nothing good, but that's also the definition of God's grace -- giving me gifts that I don't deserve.

((TODAY, 25 Jul 2012: I believe the upcoming surgery was a reconstruction of Luke's airway and voice box using cartilage from his rib. The procedure held out the promise of removing the need for a trache for Luke. The trache was our biggest nightmare. Later we would find that it was also our biggest crutch … but that is another story. I was praying so hard (3 Sep 1989) because I so wanted the upcoming surgery to heal Luke. I so wanted the circumstances of my life to change. I wanted "my kingdom" and I assumed that it was also "God's kingdom." Once again, I will be crushed. Once again, I will be disappointed. I don't think the problem was a lack of faith so much as a fear of pain. And, there were still things that God needed to teach me.))

Historical QT 20 Oct 1988, Understanding pain is difficult from an earthly point of view

Phil 4:4 (NIV) Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

NOTE: Lord you've broken me. I'm really tired. I know I can go on but I almost don't care. I love Luke and I also love Sharon and Sarah. Sarah may seem ignorant of the situation, yet the stress on us doesn't allow us to deal with her as we should. Why God, for the sake of Sharon and Sarah will you not heal Luke? Why must we suffer? I know why we suffer -- I suppose the better question is -- why in your great compassion will you not help? I feel so selfish asking that question -- as if others have not suffered as much or more. Father, suffering is so hard to understand.

((TODAY, 24 Jul 2012: I don't know what the situation was at the time that sent me in such despair, possibly another pneumonia -- there were six in the first year. Or it could have been one of the failed laser surgeries. The repair on the skull shape occurred in July 1998, so I doubt it was that surgery. Whatever happened, it is interesting that I used the argument that many atheists employ: how can a loving and powerful God not intervene in human suffering? Of course, my argument was never about God's existence, but rather trying to understand God's view of the value of pain in my life. Today, I understand suffering better, but no logical argument will ever make sense in the midst of the pain. The emotions are so raw that it is impossible to reason. Also today, I do see the value of the pain in my life, but only because I emerged from the trees to see the forest. And I understand that this life is but a blip on the timeline of eternity. It doesn't feel like a blip from this temporal stage, but in relationship to eternal life, it is microscopic. As I consider how to help someone who is struggling with pain and suffering, the lesson is to expect ups and downs. Mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice. Keep the teaching aside until the moment is right (calm) for it to be shared.))

Historical QT 15 Sep 1988, We are not guaranteed a life free from pain

Phil 2:27a, 29b, 30 (NIV) . . . Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, . . . honor men like him, 30 because he almost died for the work of Christ, risking his life to make up for the help you could not give me.

NOTE: Epaphroditus' sufferring was an illness, hardly a direct result of his faith. It was however an indirect result of his living as a Christian, but still somewhat random. Still, Paul says he almost died for the work of Christ. The point is that God ordains and uses our suffering for his purposes whether or not they seem as a direct result of our faith.

((TODAY, 23 Jul 2012: There are some believers who actually argue that a Christian should never be sick. The arguments, in my opinion, are poor and convoluted, but that is another discussion. They accept suffering as a result of persecution as a separate case. But, here we find Epaphroditus sick and near dying, and it has nothing to do with persecution. If it is God's will for a believer to be healthy and well, why does Paul say that he almost died (and his death would have cause sorrow upon sorrow for Paul)? Paul would be lying (about his possible death) if it was true that a believer should always be healthy and well. Also, Paul equates the illness he picked up as part of his service. Possibly, he caught something on his travels that his immune system was not use to, but we don't know. Paul calls it an illness. The Greek word, astheneo, means to be sick or made weak. The Exegetical Dictionary says it is a weakness "that which is derived directly from the earthly-bodily existence of mankind." It is the same kind of sickness Jesus healed in Luke 4:40, and yet here there is an assumption that he might have died. Paul says that he nearly died of a sickness for the work of Christ. Even though it was not a direct result, Paul says the illness was related to the work of Christ. So, here we have two godly men, Paul, a man of great faith, and Epaphroditus, a man of great service to the cause of Christ, and Epaphroditus has an illness that almost causes his death. So much so, that Paul was spared "sorrow upon sorrow" by his recovery.

What is the point? God is sovereign and we have no idea why sickness and illness come upon us. To believe that it is not God's will to be sick is incorrect theology. To live for God despite our suffering and pain is good theology.))

Historical QT 22 Aug 1988, A tear and a smile

Phil 1:6 (NIV) . . . being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

NOTE: It is so hard to see my present circumstances as a "good work." They are so painful, so frightening, so tiring. Like Job, I ask the question; is it worth it? I know in my heart of hearts it is. I know I will look back on the days with a tear and a smile, but that doesn't change today. Please Lord, rescue my family; deliver us from the pain and suffering. In Jesus' name, Amen.

((TODAY, 22 Jul 2012: I don't remember what happened. A number of procedures failed during the first two years. Things that we put our hopes in -- doctors and medical science -- failed us. I believe we were trusting God  to work  through these instruments, but for whatever reason our hopes were continually dashed.

I was right in one respect -- as I re-read these journal notes, there are tears and a smile, but mostly tears. Tears because they are so hard to relive even in text. A smile, because, somehow we emerged out of it all. The marriage survived, the children grew up, and the pain subsided. And, God has blessed us in many ways. There are still struggles, and most revolve around the fears for our children despite the fact that they are now adults. And actually we added one more to the family when Sarah married. Tomorrow, Luke starts a new job in his chosen career field--he will be a security guard in a homeless shelter.))

Historical QT 14 Mar 1988 / 21 Mar 1988, Little things, like visits, can help the sufferer

14 Mar 1988
Ps 86:16 (NIV) Turn to me and have mercy on me; grant your strength to your servant and save the son of your maidservant.

NOTE: Lord, there are four requests here which I (we) need. We need you (turn to us); we need your mercy (please, stop the pain); we need your strength (we've run out of ours); we need you physical salvation and healing of Luke. Please, Jesus do this. Amen --- thank you Lord for your graciousness.

21 Mar 1988

Ps 86:17 (NIV) Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

NOTE: Lord, truly I do desire a sign of your goodness. I thank you for the small signs I've seen already -- financial gifts, dinners, visits by friends, etc…. Also, Luke is making good progress and Sarah is showing good sings of getting through the terrible twos. Still Lord, I would like to see a sign of your goodness that is nothing less than a miracle. Please Lord, heal Luke. Remove the blockage in his trachea; allow his mind to overcome the loss of the corpus callosum. You Lord, who fashioned Luke can recreate all these things. To you be the glory -- Thank You -- Amen.

((TODAY, 21 July 2012: This is so representative of the times: one week I am falling apart, and the next I'm recognizing goodness but pleading for more mercy. Also, interestingly enough, I was struggling to find time with the Lord that week, as evidenced by the back to back verses. Of note is that little things do make a difference. The visit at our house by friends was rare but so appreciated. I think it was rare because people did not know what to say. I think they thought they were intruding. Meals were appreciated, but it is easier to drop off a meal, then to stop in and visit, and the latter was much more encouraging. As for not knowing what to say, the best thing during those times is not to say anything (that is trying to say something spiritual or profound). Just talking about life and asking questions is good enough. I'm not sure I've learned that lesson. I too often avoid the visits and am much more comfortable giving financial gifts or dinners. Lord, help me to remember this forgotten truth.))

QT 21 Jul 2012, Christians worship idols

Isa 44:16-19 (NLT) He burns part of the tree to roast his meat

and to keep himself warm.

He says, "Ah, that fire feels good."

17 Then he takes what's left

and makes his god: a carved idol!

He falls down in front of it,

worshiping and praying to it.

"Rescue me!" he says.

"You are my god!"

18 Such stupidity and ignorance!

Their eyes are closed, and they cannot see.

Their minds are shut, and they cannot think.

19 The person who made the idol never stops to reflect,

"Why, it's just a block of wood!

I burned half of it for heat

and used it to bake my bread and roast my meat.

How can the rest of it be a god?

Should I bow down to worship a piece of wood?"

NOTE: Christians fall into a very subtle trap when they see a verse that does not agree with their philosophy or belief, and then pronounce, "well, my God is not like that." Essentially, they have created an idol, because the idol is based on what they want God to be and not what God has revealed himself to be in the bible. They are no different from the idol maker in these verses who carves an image (what he thinks God is) out of piece of wood and falls down and worship it. When we deviate from the bible, we carve out our own image (what he is to us) and create an idol.

Another aspect of idol worship is that the man creates his idol out of the same wood that he cooks with and eats his meal. Now maybe I'm spiritualizing a little, but his idol comes out of his daily existence and the things of life. It is based on how he lives and has its' basis in the very foundations of existence: food (roasts his meat), warmth (keep himself warm--similar to shelter), and comfort ("ah, that feels good"). We do the same thing in life experiences when we reject a concept or verses in the bible that do not make us feel good. And so, like the idol maker, we create the god we want to worship.

The third aspect which God repeatedly mentions (in this section) is that the idol maker does not stop to think. He doesn't use any logic. His response is based on an emotional appeal ("it makes me feel good"). I'm not suggestng that emotion and logic are diametrically opposed to each other, because by nature they are not, but our emotions do cloud our reasoning when we let them rule. Emotion and logic can self exist. One does not have to rule over the other. Just as a husband and wife learned to reach a common understanding despite differing viewpoints, so logic and emotion can come together, but it takes work.

I realize that for many people, an event with great emotional weight has caused us to seek an idol that agrees with what we want to believe. The scriptures seem too harsh or too unbelievable, especially for what we have gone through; but it is an idol when it disagrees with the bible, no matter what we want to believe. Logic and emotion can come together, without changing the meaning of scripture (changing the meaning also creates an idol). We must go to the Lord in prayer, with our pain, with our emotion, and ask for understanding. Because the only God we ever want to worship is the God of the bible.

Historical QT 8 Mar 1988, God does answer prayer, but not always when we want or the way we want

Ps 86:12-13 (NIV) I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;

I will glorify your name forever.

13 For great is your love toward me;

you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

NOTE: Lately the days have seemed a bit easier. There has been joy and sadness. I feel, in a small way, that we have been delivered from the depths of the grave. We are still in the graveyard, but at least we can see a way out.

I'm encouraged by Luke's mental progress. He really is developing well. I'm very concerned about some physical problems. He is very congested lately. I hope it is symptomatic of his cold and a buildup from our lack of ability to properly care for him. One way you can reassure us Lord that we are not hurting him, is to bring him out of the cold in the same or better condition than when it started.

I do pray for healing for Luke. Father, I would pray for a miracle. I pray that his blockage or web would disappear. I pray his mind would overcome the lack of the corpus callosum . I pray he would be a very smart and sharp boy.

I know you are sovereign over our life God. I know you will do what is best, but you also tell us to pray; and so I have asked you. Amen.

((TODAY, 20 July 2012: God did answer many prayers, although things would get worse many more times. The lack of the corpus callosum has had little effect on Luke's life. He does function well. The tracheal web is gone, but his voice is diminished because of two later reconstructions that split the vocal cords. And he is a miracle, one that I am greatly proud of. This week he will start a new job as a security officer in a homeless shelter. Thank you Lord for your provision … we are not worthy of your goodness.))

Historical QT 6 Mar 1988, God does provide, we just forget

Ps 86:10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

NOTE: God, I've seen your marvelous deeds over and over again, yet I still don't trust you enough to do the impossible. Thank you for the $2000 gift. That gift relieves a lot of anxieties which we shouldn't have anyway. The next question is how should we use this extra money? Should we buy a van with AC power to be able to transport Luke further distances, and incidentally relieve another major anxiety? Please lead us clearly Lord. It's my desire to get a van but I want to do your will.

((TODAY, 19 July 2012: The gift was a collection of money from people we had known in Navigator ministries over the years. They were very generous. Ultimately we used the gift to pay off our portion of the medical equipment bill that CHAMPUS would not cover. I don't believe we ever got a van until we moved to Washington DC three years later, but my memory is not clear. I do know we also bought a generator so that we could continue to run Luke's medical equipment in case of storms or power outages.  But more than anything, the gift was one of many reminders that we really weren't forgotten by God. In fact, the only true forgetting was our tendency to forget what God had done in the past when a new crisis would emerge. That is very common when emotions are strong such as in a time of severe suffering. And, reminding someone of God's previous provision isn't beneficial during the early days of the pain. Once the pain has subsided, logical arguments bear more weight, but they are actually very insensitive during the moment of pain.))

Historical QT 29 Feb 1988, Understanding unanswered prayers

Ps 86:4 (NIV) Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

NOTE: Why does it seem Lord that you do not answer Sharon's and my prayers? I must assume, based on my puny knowledge, you do answer our prayers, but are answering them in ways we would not like. Again, I must assume that you love us and know our needs best, therefore your lack of answers to us and the multiplication of our troubles is for our good. Lord, I will continue to petition you and ask for joy again. I pray that my family could experience joy and not burdens. How much longer must we undergo these afflictions? When will you intervene with your might power? I will trust you, for to you I lift up my soul.

((TODAY, 18 July 2012: I remember an incident which actually happened six times the first year -- Luke would get pneumonia from a tracheal fistula that allowed liquids from his food pipe to leak into his air pipe. When he was getting a pneumonia, he would aspirate a lot, that is, a juicy cough which was clearing fluid from his air pipe and lungs. At night, even as he tried to sleep, this little 5 month baby would wake up and cough every minute or two. It was so hard to sit there with him. It seemed like agony late at night. I remember asking God to give him relief so that he could sleep, but it would never happen. And then the temperature would rise and we would head to the emergency room again, often times for an extended stay in the pediatric intensive care unit. I think that pain is more difficult to take when it is occurring to your children than when it comes upon you. I know we did learn a lot through that and we could feel the pain of others with children that suffer, but it is a lesson I wished I have never learned.))

Historical QT 23 Feb 1988, At the end of the rope ...

Ps 143:11 (NIV) For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

NOTE: Lord, I know our lives are supposed to bring you glory, but there comes a point where humanly it's just impossible to live. I'm not far from that point and Sharon is very close. Sharon is at the point of an emotional breakdown. God, our ruin brings you no glory. It causes people to ask, "why didn't God intervene or help?" I know already you've given us much strength, but our lives are exhausted; we are in need of a miracle. God you must do something supernatural or at least cause the constant problems and burdens to slow down. Lately, the only thing new every morning has been a new problem. I don't know why you've chosen to deal with us in this way. I know we are sinners, but your discipline (if it is discipline) is devastating. If you're causing us to grow for some unknown purpose and future, then I want to thank you and praise you, but please, I'm not sure we can grow much more right now. I know you know what's best, but please Lord, have mercy on us. For your name's sake, have mercy on us. My family is almost destroyed.

((TODAY, 17 July 2012: I think that was one of the hardest journal entries I ever wrote. It was easy to write how I felt, but the pain of the situation was overwhelming. The phrases "the only thing new every morning is a new problem" (a poke at Lamentations 3:22,23), and "My family is almost destroyed," still stick in my memory. I suppose things would cycle between getting better and then worse for another three years. At this point, we are only 3 months and a week into our suffering, and I am already about to quit. One thing I have learned over the years and it probably started during this period of my life, is to be absolutely honest with God. For one thing, we can't fool him. For another reason, it makes the relationship so much more real. It makes no sense to pretend to God -- we can pretend with people, but not God. God is pretty big too and he can take our whining. There comes a time where we just need to accept, but early on, it is perfectly normal to rant at God.))

Historical QT 13 Feb 1988, The struggle between suffering and justice

Ps 73:2-5, 16-17 (NIV)

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;

I had nearly lost my foothold.

3 For I envied the arrogant

when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;

their bodies are healthy and strong.

5 They are free from the burdens common to man;

they are not plagued by human ills.

. . .

16 When I tried to understand all this,

it was oppressive to me

17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;

then I understood their final destiny.

. . .

21 When my heart was grieved

and my spirit embittered,

22 I was senseless and ignorant;

I was a brute beast before you.

NOTE: Psalm 73 is a perfect song for the needs in our life. It describes my wife's feelings and mine to a certain extent. I've not been as vocal, but deep down I've thought the same thoughts as Sharon. In the Psalm, Asaph complains about his affliction and seemingly lack of affliction affecting the wicked.  Asaph wonders whether he has walked with God in vain. Why walk with God if it only brings burdens to one's life? Yet while Asaph can't understand on his own, when he enters the presence of God and understands the wicked's final destiny, it makes mores sense. The wicked's destiny is hell and the suffering of Hell can never compare to any suffering on earth. Then Asaph remembers his bitterness toward God and realizes that he has no other hope than God. God has not abandoned him, rather God has given him strength to deal with the troubles and burdens.

((TODAY, 16 July 2012: The psalms capture the heart of the writers. They are real with emotion and true in their feelings. Asaph struggles with bitterness, and so we all struggle at times to make sense of life. If this life is all there is, then there is no justice, but we believe that there is life beyond the temporary, and all the wrongs will be made right in that day. I still struggle with these thoughts at time, but I've also come to realize that "not everything is as it seems." The wicked and arrogant are not so happy as they make themselves out to be. We really don't know a person's life by observing the surface. What is below the surface is usually not so pretty. And so justice probably comes a lot sooner than many of us realize.))

Historical QT 4 Feb 1988 / 5 Feb 1988, A debtor to mercy

4 Feb 1988:

Ps 94:12,13 (NIV) Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law;  you grant him relief from days of trouble . . .

NOTE: I don't know if any of our troubles are discipline -- it very well could be,  God knows me perfectly, he knows my sins. I do know that the suffering has  had a good effect on my life. I've learned a lot, my character has changed, my  ministry goals have changed. I would like to claim this verse and ask God that  he would answer quickly. Please, Lord, grant us relief from our days of trouble.  Amen.

5 Feb 1988:

Psalm 123:2 (NIV) As the eyes of slaves look to their master, as the eyes of the maid look to the  hand of her mistress, so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till he shows us his mercy.

NOTE: I continue to look to you God for mercy. Lately you have not withheld  much it seems to test us. Broken cars, Sharon's teeth, near family (relatives)  problems, Luke's episodes have pushed us beyond our limit. Only by your  grace have we not been overwhelmed. I have no idea what you have  protected us from recently. I can't understand the limits of your mercy, but I  would pray for more mercy from your hand. We need a chance to breathe  easily again. Please Lord have mercy. Amen.

((TODAY, 15 July 2012: It seems I have often prayed for mercy. I am a debtor  to mercy. I know I am to grace as well, but mercy is easier for me to  understand. Mercy reminds me of my unworthiness. Of course, grace reminds  me of the incomprehensibility of God's love. Still, maybe I can get my mind  around the concept of mercy easier than I can understand grace.

We experienced many difficulties back then. Each week, there was a new reason for an emergency room run. It was quite tiring. But looking back at it from a 24 year vantage point, I can almost say, "it was good." I say "almost" because I know in my heart I would never want to revisit it. I'd rather learn my lessons once.))

Historical QT 2 Feb 1988, We really don't how tomorrow will compare today and it doesn't help to contemplate it

Ps 94:18-19 (NIV) When I said, "My foot is slipping,"

your love, O Lord, supported me.

19 When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul.

NOTE: I really can't take the pain or pressure much longer, I'm actually pass my breaking point. I can only believe that God has given me strength to carry me further. Yet lately, it has seemed at times that God has forgotten us, that he refuses to answer our prayers. Luke does not appear to make progress in his breathing or eating, and the pressure continues to grow on my family. I know Lord that you do answer prayer. I must assume then, that for reasons I can't understand that you have answered but not in the way we would like. At this point in our life, we need reassurance from you Lord that you have not forgotten us. I pray for Christian neighbors and friends whom could help and encourage Sharon while I'm at work. God if you won't answer prayers for me, please answer them for Sharon. Help her Lord, please. She carries a great burden and she much more than I needs reassurance of your love and concern. You said in your word--when our foot is slipping, your love supports us--support Sharon with your love. Pleas pour out your love on her abundantly. Help her to see that your love truly is boundless. O' the depth, the length, the height, and the width of God's love. Amen.

((TODAY, 13 Jul 2012: Those days seem so long ago. I would sleep on the floor of Luke's bedroom from midnight to 6am (when I left for work). I would suction him (trache) as needed and give him his food and meds, sometimes every two hours. Then Sharon would take over for the day until I returned home after work. She had the harder job--she also had the two year old to take care of in addition to running an in-home ICU for a baby. We were both very tired--I would take cat naps at work just to get caught up. And when you are tired, all suffering seems multiplied. It was a season, a long season, and we did not know that it would end. Sometimes people complain that Job's life came out well in the end but it ignores two facts: one, the children he lost never came back to life, and two, he didn't know it would ever end when he repented before God for his attitude and sin.))

Historical QT 30 Jan 1988, When does the weeping end?

Ps 30:5b (NIV) . . . weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

NOTE: Lord, when will it be morning? The night seems so long and so lonely. You promise to meet our every need. Phil 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Lord you promise, I want to claim this promise for my life and may family. When I go to work, please take care of my family. Give Sharon the strength she needs to take care of both Luke and Sarah. Watch over Luke, help him to do better breathing and eating. Lord we need some peace; we need some joy once again in our lives. In Jesus' name, Amen.

((TODAY, 12 Jul 2012: The night did seem so long back then. I'm not sure when it did end. Even three years later, after a key surgery that was finally successful, it was not completely ended. The aches inside continued to turn my stomach every time something new would occur. I suppose the most difficult thing to understand is perseverance, because you really don't think you can take it any longer, and it goes longer. In the military special forces, training takes you to your limit and then one step beyond what you think you can endure. I never really thought of God teaching perseverance that way, but looking back that is what happened. Every time we thought we were at the end of the rope, God would push us out a little farther. And somehow, there was always just a little bit of rope left.))

Historical QT 28 Dec 1987 / 21 Jan 1988, Times of excitement and times of terror

28 Dec 1987:

Zech 2:13 (NIV) Be still before the Lord, all mankind, because he has roused himself from his holy dwelling.

NOTE: My heart wants to break out in the song: "Be still my soul! The Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain. Be still my soul! Thy best, thy heavenly friend, through thorny ways leads to a joyful end." This is my prayer and my hope of your promise Lord. Help me to be still these days and trust you for the future. Thank you for your exceeding kindness to me.

21 Jan 1988:

NOTE: I'm not sure I can say what I wrote above now. I'm not bitter at you God, I'm just tired. The pain you've brought has been great, far beyond my ability to bear. The suffering is overwhelming at times. I love my son Luke, but I was not prepared for the emotional and physical demands he would place on the rest of the family. He is part of the family, I do not desire that you would take him for us, rather I ask that you would help us. Give us supernatural strength to bear the burdens. Carry us through the high waters. Make these days, days of joy and healing. I ask for peace, calmness, and special grace. And most of all, when we can, use us to help other families.

((TODAY, 11 July 2012: There are three weeks of an empty journal between 28 Dec 87 and 21 Jan 88. Part of that was buying a house, moving into the house, getting our household goods delivered, holidays, starting a new job, and Luke's arrival from the intensive care unit into our house on 16 Jan.  They were days of great excitement and days of sheer terror. The stress level was very high. We were exhausted physically and emotionally. It was hard to think of the future because it was hard to think of how to finish the day. But we lived through it, and we were not abandoned, although at times it did feel that way.))

Historical QT 18 Dec 1987, First priority of life is our relationship with God

Rom 13:14 (NIV) Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

NOTE: We are not to even think about sin. God wants us clothed with Jesus. Our every thought and action ought to have the blessing of God on it. Lord, I've learned much about how serious you consider our relationship. You are willing to take me through much to convince me it is the most important aspect of my life. Lord, how I pray I would never have to relearn this lesson.

((TODAY, 10 Jul 2012: Well, I might reword my thought today, but the bottom line is still the same. My relationship with my savior is the most important aspect of my life. And I have seen continually throughout scripture, when life is good and people fat and happy, we forget God. But when life turns sour, we turn back to God. And the more sour it turns, the more we seek him, although to be fair, some give up on faith as well. I would add a second lesson that I learned during those years, the first is the importance of my relationship with God, and the second is the importance of thankfulness. I think the two are tied together, because when I am thankful, I remember who has given me the blessings of life. Father, thank you for the years of communion. It is still hard to say that the heartache was worth it, because I am a coward to pain, but you have been gracious to me, and you have restored us. Thank you.))

Historical QT 14 Dec 1987, In the midst of suffering, look for the glimpses of God's goodness

Col 4:2 (NIV) Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

NOTE: It's important to continue in prayer, to be devoted to prayer. God says he answers the prayers of the persistent. But not only must we pray, we must watch for God's answers and be thankful. Lord, you have answered so many requests in the last month (and even before). You've healed Luke in many ways, you've provided a job and a home. You've provided friends and security. You've met the needs of this family in abundance. Thank you Lord for your great love, mercy, and kindness. Amen.

((Today, 9 Jul 2012: My tendency is to view this period of my life as a time of great sorrow and seemingly unanswered prayers. And while there may be some hyperbole in my 14 Dec 1987 comments, God was providing in many different ways. It is good to remember that, because I think our tendency is to believe that God has not answered our prayers when we don't get 100 percent of what we prayed for. But God was answering prayers and he was providing for us. There was a lot of heartache ahead, but there were glimpses of goodness in the midst.))

Historical QT 2 Dec 1987, We are to be God's expression of love to a hurting world

1 John 4:12 (NIV) No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

NOTE: During our time of severe testing, when we felt deserted by God, what we really wanted was some tangible evidence that God still loved us and cared for us. We wanted to see God (in some way). But John writes that NOONE has ever seen God, our lonely tangible evidence is the love we have for one another. Through the love which God has placed in our hearts we see God. The Dilla's love and hospitality to us in our time of deep need was God's evidence to us that he cares. The Rader's, who are perfect strangers, love to us has reaffirmed to us that God truly does care for us. Praise God for the love you've put in the heart of believers.

((Today, 8 July 2012: We are too quick to provide a comment like, "you must be really special for God to work in your lives in such a way" or "God is sovereign and he has a great plan for your life." Those comments might even be true, but they do not comfort or provide solace in times of great pain, at least initially. What is needed is love expressed in deeds and shoulders ("weep with those who weep"), rather than Christian slogans. I'm much more sensitive to that today than I was before, and I suppose that is one reason God does take us through suffering. As Paul writes:

2 Cor 1:3-7 (NIV) Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5 For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

))

Historical QT 21 Nov 1987, We are God's shoulders to the hurting

No passage

NOTE: These days have been very hard on Sharon and I. There have been times when we felt we were deserted by God or that he had not heard our prayers. The aerovac flight took better part of two days five different stops. We were emotionally and physically exhausted when we arrived at Wilford Hall. Then Luke went through some breathing problems. It was hard not to cry and Sharon couldn't hold it back. The Temporary Lodging Facility (TLF) room wasn't what we expected. It was one room and it seemed lonely and dark. We have no car, we were stranded. It was at that point where I felt like giving up. It was too hard to live. It hurt too much. My stomach was in a lot of pain and I was afraid for my wife and daughter -- what would they do if I died?  My only thoughts were -- God don't you care? I can't say I've ever had a lower point in my life. But I believe the Lord knew our needs better than I. My choice to live in the TLF because it was close to the hospital seemed logical at first, but God wanted us to live with some close Christian friends with children, 40 minutes away from the hospital. They lent us a car and they lent us themselves and their home. That is what my family needed and God knew it. I've never known so much pain and heartache, I hope I can help others who have it.

((Today, 7 July 2012: Those were very hard days. I know they were hard on the Dilla's who opened their house to us for 5 weeks. I was looking for some tangible evidence of God's love and it was right before us. They were God's shoulders that we needed to cry upon. It is a very difficult thing to open a home to non-family, especially for an extended period of time. We have had some opportunity and realize the sacrifice required. But God calls us to be his extension of love to those around us who are hurting. Sometimes that love calls for major sacrifices. May we be faithful to answer his call at those times.))

Historical QT 14 Nov 1987, Why does suffering need to hurt so much?

John 15:2 (NIV) He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

NOTE:  Pruning is a process that hurts. It's not just the dead things which are pruned but also the living. Sometimes the pruning process makes no sense. In the case of flowers, the best buds may be pruned off so that the flower grows even better and more beautiful. In our life, Sharon and I, God seems to be doing some major pruning -- it hurts a lot. Not only does it hurt, it doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. I'm not sure why Luke has to suffer so much. I know that suffering on earth is insignificant compared to the suffering of those that do not know God. God sees eternity, he is not fooled by the temporal as I am. He truly does know what is best for me, Sharon, Sarah, and Luke. I hope and pray that our attitudes and actions glorify him during this time. Lord, help us to rejoice during these trials and tribulations. Help us to grow deeper in our relationship to you. We do love you; even more so we know that you love us. You know our needs, you will provide, and you will bring about the best for our lives. That is your promise. Thanks! Amen.

((Today, 5 Jul 2012: On 11 Nov 1987, Veterans day, Luke was born in Dayton Ohio at the Wright-Patterson AFB military hospital. He had a tracheal web with a 1 mm hole blocking the air flow through his trachea. His stomach and esophagus were not connected. He was missing the corpus callosum in the brain. The bones in the head had already fused and would require surgery. He had fluid pockets in the brain (I think they were anterior). He was medevac'ed, within the day, to San Antonio Texas, to the neo-natal intensive care unit at Wilford Hall. We (Sharon and I) did not travel with him. Sharon had an emergency C-section and could not be  moved. I had to take care of our two-year old daughter. We would follow on the next available flight, seven days later. We were told years later by Nurses on the flight who remembered our unusual name, that Luke had almost died on the flight. He received an emergency tracheotomy upon arrival at Wilford Hall. So begins the journey that would forever change our lives …))

Historical QT 11 Nov 1987, Our witness requires our observation

Acts 2:47 …  praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

NOTE: This is what it will take to win people to the Lord in this new age. We need a witness which is so overwhelming and so positive that it draws people to us to find out what makes us different. Lord, I pray in the years ahead, that you give my family and I that type of witness -- and bring many through us to yourself. Amen.

((TODAY, 5 Jul 2012: It is still early in the morning, that 11 Nov 87. The birth will not occur until 11pm later in the day. At this point, we still believed that everything would be alright, that God had answered our prayer for healing. The shock that would confront us was unimaginable.  God did use our story as a witness for many years and to many people. And we learned the importance of compassion toward others--not to be so inwardly focused. We learned that people are out there hurting and we never noticed. We were about to be confronted with pain and suffering at a level far beyond our understanding, and many around us would never notice either. The world is full of pain and hurt, do we stop and notice?))

Historical QT 27 Oct 1987, God has called us to live for him TODAY

2 Cor 12:10 (NIV) That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

NOTE: Father, I'm not sure I can say this completely. Difficulties are very tough, not only on me but on my family. Yet I know that through them we grow. I've seen a lot of growth in my life and Sharon's as we approach Luke's birth. We need to continue to grow, but please Lord, allow Luke to live a normal life. Amen.

((TODAY, 4 Jul 12: At the time, if I knew what suffering awaited my family, I would have … I'm not sure … would have I fainted, given up, yelled at God, lived in trepidation? Would I have written, "we need to continue to grow?" I suppose those questions are useless academic exercises because, God only gives us the knowledge and peace we need for the moment we are living in. It does not help to know the future of our lives, for God has called us to the present. We are to live as his representatives now. What happens tomorrow, ... well, he will provide for that tomorrow. Luke does live a normal life today. He has his difficulties, but what person does not have obstacles? Life is not perfect or the way God intended because mankind rebelled in the garden. It won't be restored until Jesus rules again, in the millennial kingdom. I look forward to that day of justice and peace, and then truly normal lives.)) 

Historical QT 21 Oct 1987, God answers prayer--not always as I would desire, but always for our best and his glory

Ps 65:5 (NIV)

You answer us with awesome deeds of righteousness,

O God our Savior,

the hope of all the ends of the earth

and of the farthest seas

NOTE: Lord, I know of your promise to answer prayer; I know of your power to answer prayer, but I don't know what is best. My prayer is that you would heal our baby boy and allow him the chance to live a normal life. I realize that eternity is far more important than a few measly years on earth and that your concern stretches well beyond earthly years. But I know that you did heal people while you were on earth and you were delighted to do it. Please delight yourself to heal our boy -- show your glory to all those who know his situation. Thanks. Amen.

((TODAY, 3 Jul 2012: At some point in the pregnancy, an ultrasound had indicated the potential for a severely handicapped child. We spent a lot of time praying during those days for our unborn son. Later, after the birth, doctors would make comments about apparent surgeries that never happened (cleft palate) or how he wasn't quite in any syndrome or how fortunate he was to be alive. Of course, it would have been much easier if there had been no problems at all, and for whatever reason, God did not answer those prayers at that time. I think one of the hardest lessons of life is learning that "no" is an answer to prayer.))

Historical QT 17 Oct 1987, God can use the pain of this life to remove the dross in our life

1 Cor 4:5b (NIV) ". . . . He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

NOTE: We really do get things confused. We seek praise from men which is really of no eternal value, rather than praise from God. And even when we are seeking those things which on the surface ought to please God, our motives are wrong. More often than not, even in very good things, our motives are selfish. It is so hard for us to put others first. For myself, my flesh makes every effort to laud itself rather than as Paul did, every effort to know God and finish the race. How does one purge himself and his wrong motives? Only the Spirit can do that, and as I did deeper into God's word, the Holy Spirit will purge the dross.

((TODAY, 2 Jul 2012: Little did I know how much purging would occur during the suffering that would start in three weeks time. God used his word, his people, and circumstances to break down the stubborn doors of my heart. I do not believe God intended to harm my boy to teach me a lesson, rather, as Rom  8:28 says "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him …." He used a painful time to teach me things about myself.))