Ps 20:7
(NIV) Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we
trust in the name of the Lord our God.
NOTE: Once again, my
hopes are dashed. What I desired so greatly is farther than ever from me. I
believed God for a miracle like nothing I've believed before. I suppose it
wasn't very strong, because my trust has collapsed. Maybe I trusted too much in
medical science or the doctors. Maybe I gloried too much in my pity. Maybe,
finally the real me is unmasked. It takes utmost despair to show myself that I
too can't handle real disappointment. I'm a tired son these days, O Lord. I
need your strength, I need hope, I need a miracle. Why, O why can I not have
it? I suppose I know the answer, I just don't want to face it.
((TODAY, 27 July
2012: Obviously, this was when we were told that Luke would be trache-dependent
his whole life. The doctors had put a lot of effort in Luke, but we didn't seem
to be making any progress. And while the key doctors were God-fearing men who
cared for Luke, others on the staff were probably arguing that too much
manpower and effort had already been wasted. I know this is true because one of
the doctors (not the lead doctor) had caught Sharon alone and told her that we
needed to stop wasting their time. Our son would probably die of pneumonia
anyway and there were other things they could be doing. I know that not all the
doctors agreed with that statement, but they probably were losing hope too. I
don't remember the name of the doctor who made the statement, but I wonder what he
would think to know Luke is alive today, and living without a trache.
I used the word
"dashed" a lot back then. I think I read CS Lewis' use of the word in
a Grief Observed, where he talks
about his hope dashed and his faith being a house of cards. In many ways, those
thoughts were my thoughts at this point. I believed in something to happen and
it didn't happen, so my faith was also a house of cards, ready to be blown over
by the first gust of wind. The problem was that my faith was based upon my
solution to the problem. I didn't have faith to look or wait for God's
solution. Jesus told us to pray for the Father's kingdom to come, but really we
pray for our kingdom to come (last Sunday's message at church). That is what I
was doing, and still do at times. Rather, I need to be watching to see how God
answers my prayers rather than expecting them to be answered my way.))
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